On My Transformation from a Fighter to a Martial Artist

The first time I saw the Wai Khru Ram Muay, I was at a Muay Thai show in Southern California.   I thought it was a very captivating dance.  However the 17^th time I saw it that night I just wanted them to get on with the fights.  At the time I was not a martial artist, I was an athlete who was becoming a fighter.  I found all the pomp and circumstance a little ritualistic and even silly.  Why would you bow before you step on the mat?  I’m paying to be here…  No shoes on the mat?  I get that, it’s sanitary.  Respect your sparring partners?  That’s just being a good person.  I’m not here for formalities, I’m here to train and compete.

I've been an athlete in my heart since my first track meet in kindergarten.  My growth and understanding in becoming a martial artist has been a long journey.  My basketball skills have given me good footwork, but have done little to improve my spirit.

I honestly can’t say where the shift in my mentality began.  I've always sworn by the benefits of yoga for fighters.  It is essential for balance in your life and joint alignment.  Over time, I recognized the benefits of getting my energy moving before training.  Or maybe it was the day my coach began to teach us about using energy to block punches.  I noticed the change when I began putting on a gi regularly and learning a traditional martial art (Judo) for the first time.  Little by little the things I was seeing were changing my mind and easing my fears that I was using some kind of witchcraft.  I am open to all the mysteries God has created in the universe, and I believe martial arts is one of the last places to teach and embrace them.

The more I think about it, we are a society of ritualists.  We say the pledge of allegiance every morning in classrooms.  Parents have nightly routines to get their children to bed.  I even had a ritual ball bouncing sequence before shooting a free-throw or serving a volleyball.  I believe it is a method of clearing your mind, a moment of meditation.  It removes anxiety, as we know what’s coming next.

I now take pleasure in bowing before and after I step on the mat.  It is a show of respect for a place that has become my second home.  It is a show of respect for my instructors and my training partners.  It is a show of respect for me and for my art.  I regret that I never learned the Ram Muay, but I’m now taking that as an example to find my own prefight ritual, including bowing to my opponent.  

www.KatieCasimir.com

What Fighters Fear Most

When I was in the 8^th grade, Elk Creek High School started a new tradition.  The Jr. High Cheerleaders would perform with the High School Cheerleaders for the Homecoming pep rally and game.  There, at the pep rally, before I was even in high school, in front of everyone, I forgot the cheer.  I froze.  I felt helpless.  I pulled it together and made it into the final formation, but it was one of the most mortifying experiences of my whole life.  I still remember that cheer.  (And don’t laugh at me for being a cheerleader, I had good reasons and I might have to beat you up…)

That my friends, is what fighters are afraid of.  Not losing, not getting hurt, not a bouncing check from the promoter, we are afraid we will mess up.  We are afraid that we won’t do what we know we can.  We are afraid that we won’t be prepared enough, that we didn’t do enough cardio, enough sparring, and that we didn’t fix all our weaknesses.  Basically we're afraid of sucking.

We’re afraid of letting our coaches, teammates, and families down.  We’re afraid we’ll let ourselves down.  Everyone important to us invests so much into one moment, we don’t want that to be for nothing.  We want a performance we can be proud of.  We want to exceed everyone’s expectations and quiet those who didn’t believe we could/should do it.

I believe this fear is our most powerful motivator.   UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon Jones expressed this as “there's nothing wrong with having butterflies (in your stomach), as long as you can get those butterflies to fly in formation.”  It’s a good thing.  My Dad once gave me a gift, and I will give it to you:

"The pain of working hard is nothing compared to the pain of losing because you did not work hard enough."

Let your fear make you work hard enough. 

www.KatieCasimir.com

On Strength through Vulnerability

Floyd Patterson once said he wished had another fighter to talk to about losing.  I find that to be one of the deepest connections I have with my husband.  There are so many things that we hide in our hearts.  I am fortunate to have a few people in my life with whom I can bare my soul, but they can’t relate to the emotions and reactions I have to the most important aspect of my life.

We as a society see vulnerability as weakness, and are ready to attack.  As fighters we also have the additional pressure of a general lack of approval for our activities.  My parents are quick to encourage me toward retirement, and many see what we do as barbaric or they are envious of our freedom and courage.  So we wear an untouchable persona and barely admit weakness to ourselves.   How do you drag yourself to the gym on your worst days?  I tell myself that I am strong and powerful and today is just another test of that.

Here is the duality: When you can safely acknowledge your insecurities and fears, and they are validated, and you are encouraged past them, it is empowering beyond explanation.   Through audacity, regarding my vulnerability, I become invincible.

I have discovered that most of us experience the same emotions, just through different filters.  That has freed me to speak openly about all my emotions, especially those related to fighting.  Sometimes you can see the relief when someone learns that they are not alone in their feelings and experiences.  Sometimes they are excited to share ideas, and sometimes they will keep you out, so as not to accept any weakness themselves.

I find my peace and strength in knowing I have the courage to express and confront my weaknesses.  If you’re having a less than beautiful emotion in a situation, chances are that someone else has been there too.  If you expose your soul, you can find the strength to make changes you could never make if you were to remain protected.

www.KatieCasimir.com

On Losing

Listen up.  I’m only going to talk about this once.  The fact is in every fight you have a winner, and a loser.  Losing can have a devastating effect on a fighter's psyche, or can inspire greatness.  Sometimes I think I was lucky to lose my first fight, I learned fast that it’s not the end of the world.  Nobody wants to lose, but I think the fear of losing is much worse than when it actually happens.

My 1st kickboxing fight, my 1st loss

Say what you want about the laws of attraction, it never even entered my mind that I wouldn't win my first fight.  I had been training for years, with several other fights falling through.  I was not intimidated that my opponent had fought four times before our fight, or the fact that she was five inches taller.  I have always considered myself the little engine that could, but I ran out of steam in the first round… Nothing can prepare you for the adrenaline and the intensity of the first round of your first fight.   Years of training went right out the window and I was swinging like an angry Donald Duck. 

I confirmed that night what I already knew.  I was a fighter.   I was so exhausted I could barely keep my hands up, but I kept coming forward and I never gave up.  For that I felt like I had a victory.  The promoter came to me in the locker room, ecstatic about our performance and asked if I was interested in a rematch on his next card.  I felt pretty validated at this point.  I went out into the crowd to meet up with my friends and I ran into my opponent.  I liked her, we made plans to get some training together after our next fight and a couple of fans came to take pictures with us.  I was hooked on the whole experience.

The next day the adrenaline was gone and the reality was there.  I lost.  I wasn't supposed to lose.  The next couple weeks were hard.  And then I found my motivation.  I had clearly won the 1^st round, if my cardio didn't fail me, I would win this rematch.  I didn't have anything to prove to anyone but myself and I started my career long lesson about sport specific conditioning.  The funny thing is, that was my opponent’s last fight.  She got injured before our rematch, and she was done with competition.  Everyone said she had the best fight of her career that night, I guess that satisfied something in her spirit.

I learned a lot from that loss, and every loss I've had since.  I always believe a fight is an opportunity to test myself, test my growth, and learn more about myself.  I learn from every fight, but when things go your way it’s hard not to look past your mistakes, because everything worked out in the end. The trick is finding a way to embrace a loss without embracing losing.

Failure sucks, there’s no denying that.  But how you deal with your failure is what defines you as a person.  Will it cause you to change and grow?  Or will it break your spirit?  The good news is we get to choose.  It’s unfortunate that so much of our value as a fighter is placed on a record, because sometimes you win a fight, but you lose.  Then sometimes you lose a fight, but you win and there’s no way a set of numbers can ever represent the most valuable moments in your career.  So we must keep them in our hearts, and keep moving forward.

www.KatieCasimir.com

Confessions From the Right Brain

When I’m in the car with my husband for any good length of time and there has been a significant amount of silence, one of us will always ask “What are you thinking?”  My husband says “Nothing,” which I know means “Kneebars.”  I’m usually planning my audition song for American Idol or imagining my “FreshAir” interview with Terry Gross before my first Invicta FC fight.  I have a confession to make.  I’m a dreamer, 100% right brained.

I come across as an organized, detail oriented, planner.  I was good in school, I love efficiency, and I present myself well.  In truth, I was not a good student as a child.  I was always talking and daydreaming.  I was smart enough, but if I didn't like what I was doing, I would just “check out.”

At some point I began using my creativity to manipulate the details.  With this I learned how you can have maximum reward with minimum input.  This creativity with details and principles in combination with a good work ethic has made me a pretty successful human being.  The cliché of thinking outside the box has never really applied to me… I live outside the box.

Whether it’s work, training, or my family life, I have a plan.  My “planning” is an expression of a dream, laid out to be improvised.  It’s how I function in a left brain society.  For me it is an exercise in thinking inside the box.   I hate to admit it, but it makes my life exponentially better and easier.

I wonder about left brainers though…  If our society fits right in with their way of life how often are they forced into my world?  How many chose to venture that way on their own?  Taking in “culture” at an art gallery or the theater is not the same as creating something for yourself.

My left brained father was always looking for ways to Kaizen his high school classes and he writes poetry.  For my left brained husband, he spends hours putting pieces together, from every discipline, for his kneebar game.  I think this is a key to finding balance.  We have to live where we are, and take the best of the other side of our brain.

www.KatieCasimir.com

On My Cookie Butter Epiphany

I don’t work for a grocery store; I work for the grocery store.  In case you live under a rock (or in another country), Trader Joe's is like Disneyland for the “foodie.” It’s famous for unique, high quality products, at a great value.  We have the coolest employees anywhere and we want to be a bright spot in your day.  Now the bad news, we currently have an extremely popular product that is in short supply.  This situation has given me a good hard look at the difference between wanting and coveting.  

Thou shalt not covet.  Unlike the other commandments, this one doesn't speak about physical behavior. It’s about what’s in your heart.  The American Heritage Dictionary defines covet as feeling a “blameworthy desire (for that which is another’s).”  This is different than to want.  I want a lot of things, but that want does not affect me or those around me in a negative way.  And should it cross that line, it’s time to check my thoughts and put things in perspective.

The customers that covet the product are obsessed with other jars, the ones that are beyond the quantity they are allowed to buy.  They count the jars in other customer’s carts.  They “sneak” back in to the store to buy more, and they lie.   They even involve their children.  They cry and/or yell over this sugary condiment.  At first my co-workers and I found this behavior amusing, but the weight of the negativity has crept in and become a presence in our work environment. 

And then there are customers that want the product. They line up outside the store at 6:30 am with their Starbucks, and make new friends with the other customers that are waiting to buy the same product. They make pleasant banter with the employees as they arrive.  The limited supply becomes a game or a goal to be attained, and they are ready to put in the work.

When “wanting” crosses the line to “coveting” there is a change in your energy and the energy of those with whom you interact.  Our thoughts are very powerful, and when we find something we want passionately, we need to be aware of some things:  Am I looking at my objective or am I looking at someone who has already attained it?  Do I look at their story with resentment or for guidance?  Most importantly, how does thinking about my objective make me feel?

To desire is to be alive.  When we can harness our desires, they will drive us to a better place.  Enjoy the ride.

www.KatieCasimir.com

On Prayer In Sports

My uncle once told me he doesn't pray for his favorite sports teams because “It’s like asking God to pick one child over another.”   It made great sense to me and I never prayed for a team again. 

Fast forward to my move into the culture of combat sports.  Every win or loss can have a lasting effect on the rest of your career.  I find myself praying for my friends, students, and myself that we would be kept safe and have a good performance…. and then at the last minute praying for victory.  Then I feel guilty.

I guess it’s an issue I've had for a while.  I lost my first election for secretary of my 4-H club by one vote.  Mine.  I thought it was bad manners to vote for myself.   My mother told me I should vote for the person who would do the best job.  If I didn't think that was me, I shouldn't be running for office.

I should never be afraid to assert myself for something I want.  It’s not like I don’t train hard and am asking for a miracle.   It’s not like I don’t ask God for a million little things to help me throughout my day.  I’m not sure why this was ever a hang-up for me.

It’s not about what deity you worship, or a lack thereof.   It’s about believing you deserve the things you want enough to ask for them.

www.KatieCasimir.com

On a Better Place

How many public places would you leave your purse or wallet, or a bag full of expensive equipment or your child unattended?  I can’t think of many, in fact I can only think of one.  My gym.

Welcome to a world where a crying child will be held and comforted by a total stranger, where a world class athlete will stop and show you his best move, where integrity, honor and respect are more than ideals.  This is a place where my two-year-old nephew walks in bumping fists and high-fiving instructors and fighters alike, before pouncing on my students and spending the rest of the hour on my hip while I walk around and correct technique.  The only compensation that my husband and I receive for teaching this class is the joy of watching our students grow, and the opportunity to participate in this beautiful culture of combat.  That and watching our students strike fear in the hearts of their opponents with the kneebars we taught them…

We are a family of friends and strangers.  We are bound by an unspoken understanding of each other’s commitment, sacrifice, passion, and mutual respect.  Your family is my family, your struggles are my struggles, your triumph is my triumph.

It’s not a perfect world, people will disappoint you and egos will flare, but you always feel safe to continue loving… strangers and friends.  I think the rest of the world could learn a thing or two by stopping in.

www.KatieCasimir.com

On The Benefits of Down Time

Sometimes I used to read Daily Bread (a Bible based daily devotional) with my mother.  I remember one very clearly.  God will choose your time to work and your time to rest.  When we are sick or injured, we don’t have to wallow in our misery and lament all the work we are missing.  We can take this time to rest our bodies, and work on other areas of our lives.  Do not ignore this opportunity.  Not only is it dangerous for your health and body, but it is also counterproductive to your ultimate objective.

I recently had to back out of a fight due to a torn hamstring.  Pain, no training for 6-8 weeks, and worst of all, no fight.  OK, time to rest.  Honestly, I should have backed out three weeks earlier when I broke my nose, or two weeks earlier when I separated a rib, and then there was my wrist and my shoulder…  This fight was not supposed to happen.  Every day it became more evident why. 

1^st My opponent seems to be an armbar expert, and that is a submission to which I seem to be susceptible. (BTW if you are a future opponent using this blog to help your playbook, I’m already two steps ahead of you or I never would have posted this.)

2^nd I didn't take an opportunity to start teaching kickboxing again so I could train for this fight.  A week after the injury, the job called and wanted to know if I was still interested.  They were ready to work with my schedule.

3^rd I read a life changing blog by Ray Elbe on making a living as a fighter.   It inspired me to start writing and do a better job marketing myself.  Between working, training and family responsibilities I wouldn't have had time to make that happen.

We all cheat a little on our sleep, work an extra couple hours, and think it’s good for the bottom line.  It’s not.  I was training so hard for this fight I forgot to listen to my body.  So, my body made me listen.  And God had plans for me too, which is always cool.

www.KatieCasimir.com

On Doing What I Love

I had a conversation with a guy in a Bar in a city I've never been back to.  He asked me how long I’d been training and I told him.  I don’t remember how long it had been, but I had just made it out of cardio class and into sparring.  He had done a few pro fights for King of the Cage, but he had a daughter and needed to be more responsible.  He was working for Trader Joe’s, but he really wanted to have one more fight.  He told me if I had been training for more than three months, that it was in my blood and I would never quit. That was over ten years ago.

It is not about the money.  Money is nice, but fighting ceased to be a choice for me a long time ago.  I love everything about this sport.  Some people love competition, but don’t like training.  Others like training but don’t like the pressure of competition.  I love it all, and “it all” takes a significant time and financial investment.  The question then is how do I make money doing what I love?  The obvious answer is to go fight, but you don’t make money that way.  Until you've made it to the top, you don’t make the money you need, to train like you’re going to make it to the top.  Every fighter at the top will tell you that.

OK, so you teach, you coach, you work the front desk.  Maybe you move into fighter management or join the dark side and become a promoter.  You have to assess your other skill sets and find a niche.

I've always said I’ll fight until it’s not fun.  For some, there comes a point when it’s not worth the sacrifice anymore and it’s time to take another direction…. like using the degree you've been paying off since you started training.  For me, I’m determined to find a way to do what I love for the rest of my life.

Are you doing what you love, even just a little?  Does it make everything else in your life a little brighter? I hope you just said yes.

www.KatieCasimir.com

On True Power and Control

 I have often criticized “feminists” for trading power for the appearance of power.  Yes, we now have women in the highest positions in the world, but women have had power throughout history.   They just had to use it.  I met a man from Kenya.  He told me how the men would have their council.  They would break for the night, go home and discuss decisions that needed to be made with their wives.   The wives would tell them what should be done.  The men would continue their meeting the next night and implement the recommendations of their wives.  Who has the power there?  Is it enough?  Not for us!  We need to be at that meeting at all costs!

The ego wants the appearance of power.   It wants credit and recognition.  I think about fighters like Fedor Emelianenko who can look like they are losing a fight, but they are not.  In combat sports where the ego is a tricky balancing act, this is an extremely rare quality.  Fighters want to go out and dominate from start to finish, and they want everyone to know it is happening. 

Because a fight can be won objectively (knock out or submission) or subjectively (judges’ decision or referee stoppage), the appearance of control can be perceived as having equal or greater importance than actual control.  Some still argue that Fedor was just lucky to capitalize on the mistakes of his opponents, only because his power is not perceived.  But when I look at the way Fedor devastated his opponents, I believe his actual control made him one of the greatest martial artists of all time. I don’t argue that when you finish a fight in spectacular fashion you have the power and the recognition.  I do argue that when you lose your actual power, you will lose the fight.  The perception of power and control are irrelevant.

We all need to find the balance of believing we can and should have some effect and the humility to know that making the effect is the true reward… Public recognition of our victory is just an added bonus.

If you’re not familiar with Fedor (or even if you are), checkout one of my favorite fights vs. Andre Arlovski

www.KatieCasimir.com

On Operating in a Man's World

I don’t generally tell people I’m a fighter when I first meet them.  I want them to know because I think it’s awesome, but I’m never sure how it will be received.  Usually it goes something like “Why did a nice girl like you get into something like that?” or “That’s really cool, but aren't you afraid you’re going to get hurt?” or even “Wow, that’s great!  We need more women showing empowerment!”  No one means it, but it immediately becomes a gender issue.

Where do I begin?  I was born with a fighter’s spirit, a determination to go get what I want no matter the cost.  Everything in me wants to win, wants to be the greatest, and the most powerful.  I have never accepted that because I was small, or a girl that I can’t achieve those things.   While I’m sure that gave my mother endless frustration, I know that she always had a peace that I could handle myself in any situation.

So, here I am a grown woman still fighting against my size and gender to gain the respect of my peers and coaches.  Fighting is a man’s world.  Women are becoming more of a presence every day, but we are still a gross minority.  Most men will have one of three reactions to a new woman in the gym: 1) Ignore you and hope you go away 2) Treat you like you’re going to break 3) Beat the crap out of you, and hope you go away.  When you keep showing up, you get a little respect. When you work twice as hard as they do, you get a little more.  Over time you earn your place, but then you have to compensate for your size… you never get to a place where you get to stop proving your value.

Ironically, the gym has become one of the few places I feel free of gender.   I’m not a man, not a woman, just Katie.  I am powerful, technical, fast and smooth.  I am transcendent.  I have been improving my craft for over a decade and I have the quiet confidence that says, “I don’t have to prove anything to you, but I will.”  I learned a long time ago that it’s best if you don’t just accept those things that you can’t change, you need to embrace them.  The fact that I worked twice as hard in practice has never hurt me in competition.  Nor has the fact that I’m not allowed to complain, or show fear or pain.

The truth is, I love an uphill battle.  I believe it makes the view at the top that much sweeter, but I’ll let you know when I get there.

www.KatieCasimir.com

On Choosing My Fights (and Battles)

You have to know you can win. You have to think you can win. You have to feel you can win. - Sugar Ray Leonard

If you don’t think there’s a chance you can win a fight, ya probably shouldn't take it.  I mean it’s not like losing a race…  For me this is confidence, your intellect is in line with your objective.  Your objective may only be to make a point but you have to “think” there’s a good chance you will make that point.  This is the first step to picking my fights, in both life and martial arts.

Next, I follow my gut.   What do I “feel” about this fight?  I have to believe I can win.  I have to surround myself with people that believe I can win.  I have to train like I believe I can win.  This is the energy that will propel you forward, through the most uncomfortable parts of your battle.  It will keep that fire in your belly during training and keep you coming forward in your fight.

Last I have to “know” that I WILL win.  If I could chat with Mr. Leonard, I bet I could convince him to change that part of the quote.  I call this doubtlessness.  I have no place for anything in my mind, heart, or spirit that doubts I will achieve victory.  This gives you peace in your moments of anxiety, or when you face doubt from some external source.  It gives you patience and calm in your moment of battle, knowing victory is coming, it’s just a matter of when.

I took my first professional fight on two weeks’ notice.  I had confidence my training had been good enough to prepare me physically.  My gut said go, and when my coach said “It will be good experience win or lose.” I replied “I’M GOING TO WIN.”  I did.

www.KatieCasimir.com

On the Wisdom of the Master

One of my favorite things about martial arts is that moment when you hear the right thing, at the right time, from the right person, that will forever change your game.  Sometimes it’s a small detail that makes everything easier.  Sometimes it’s a mantra that will carry you through your most difficult workouts.  The most amazing thing is when it’s a philosophy that will move you to the next level.  Today I witnessed that moment happening and it made my heart smile.

“I work with principles, not techniques.  You can fill this gym with encyclopedias of techniques, who can retain all of that?  Every moment, every body, every situation is different and needs a different technique, but it will use the same principle.”  Makes since to most anybody, but there is a moment where something clicks and you understand that you know enough techniques and it’s time to start focusing on the principles. 

For the beginner, they only have instinct.  They need technique.  The "black belt" has an encyclopedia or two in his mind.  He understands the principles, but the mind can get clouded by the sheer volume of his techniques.  The master knows the techniques, and works in the principles.  Most importantly he knows the perfect moment to share the wisdom which will put a student on the road to becoming a master.

It’s not a matter of choosing to accept this wisdom.  It is a profound gift that cannot be denied.  The challenge comes in patience.  You can’t change everything in one moment, but one moment can change everything.

www.KatieCasimir.com

On Life and Martial Arts

When you compete in any combat sport, you get a snapshot of your soul.  Who you are in competition is who you are in life, stripped down, no pretenses, just you.  I learn more about myself from fighting and training than I do anywhere else in my life. 

When you are in survival mode there is no time to contemplate manipulation, to lie to yourself, or present yourself as something other than who you are.  If you hesitate for ½ a second you could end up flat on your back, game over.  Oh believe me, there is plenty of manipulation and deception that takes place in competition.  But, it has all been rehearsed, repeated, and perfected in the gym until it is executed as instinct.  In other words, you created something different in yourself and the snapshot is of a different you.

In my last fight, I saw courage, patience, and an ability to adapt to unexpected situations.  I also saw a woman who was waiting for her opportunities instead of creating them.  I was playing my opponent’s game, and I lost.  I started noticing the same things happening in the rest of my life and I began making changes.  This requires a constant and conscious effort to be the person I want to be.  It’s not easy, but when I consider the alternative, I don’t really have a choice.

If I only choose to accept what is given to me, maybe I win the lottery, maybe I die in poverty.  I have no responsibility for the consequences of either.  Too many of my peers choose this route.  I’ve discovered when you take away that responsibility, you can allow your fear of failure to prevent you from taking chances for success. 

A glimpse inside myself can come from a million places, a child mimicking my behavior, an aging relative, a random act of kindness or social perceptions, reactions or labels.  I can choose to accept that this is who I am or I can foster those qualities I like and change those that I don’t.

If I want to improve as a martial artist, I must choose to improve as a human being.


www.KatieCasimir.com