“You’re not old!”
I know.
In fact I’m pretty proud of how awesome I am at 36. I happen to suffer from severe depression as
the weather changes from winter to spring.
My birthday falls right in the middle of all that, and I don’t feel like
celebrating anything. It’s not Vitamin
D, or it would happen during the winter.
It’s common among fighters, and while I’m sure the head trauma doesn’t help,
I’ve been this way since childhood… long before I ever put on the boxing gloves. Depression is not rational. I can’t speak for everyone, but here is my
truth:
I feel like my spirit shrinks back two inches from my skin,
like I’m trying to separate myself from the world and protect those I love from
the sorrow I can’t stop. My skin hurts
and my body aches. I can’t stop myself
from crying at work, or at dinner, or any other number of public places, for no
other reason than because I’m depressed.
When anyone asks what’s wrong I can’t say “I suffer from depression”, because that seems to trivialize the magnitude of what I’m feeling. So I suffer alone.
I hate how I feel, and I know some things that will help,
but I just can’t force myself to do it.
When I hear people say (usually after someone they know takes their own
life) “If you are depressed, get help!” I
think, it must seem so simple to the rational mind, but depression is not
rational. And for the record “getting
help” can leave you with a counter
full of prescriptions, each to combat the side effects of the last, and numb from
the neck up.
So what are you supposed to do if you love someone who
suffers from depression? You can help in
the simplest of ways…
Keep loving us. Even
in the worst moments, it’s a comfort.
Let us know it’s OK to be sad and there’s nothing wrong with
a little extra sensitivity.
Hugs are good medicine, even if only a temporary reprieve.
Gently nudge us toward the things that will make us feel better. For me that means exercise, doing something
to lift someone else’s spirits, or spending time with my nephew.
Don’t feel like any of this is your responsibility, if you
love us unconditionally, it’s all you can do.
PLEASE don’t list all the things for which we have to be
grateful. I know you mean well, but
it really makes me feel worse. I know I
have all these blessings. I’m still sad. I’m really F’ed up. I judge myself. I feel more alone because that person doesn’t
understand me at all. It’s like saying “You
have no reason to feel what you feel.”
I think our society separates depression from other mental
illnesses, like it’s a choice. If
someone has autism, OCD, or Tourette’s syndrome, we applaud them for their
efforts to lead “normal functional lives". We are taught to look for the
beauty in their spirits. Depression makes
your spirit shrink, but it’s still there, and it’s still beautiful.
